Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
