remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
