i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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