Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
