Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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