im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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