i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
