I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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