Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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