Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dicks are not precious.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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