I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I AM VODKA MAN
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
