I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
