Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
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