I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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