Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Text me some of your sweat
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
