I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
