I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
