my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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