it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
