So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
