Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How does one acquire holy water?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
