when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
