I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
