Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
