Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
