He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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