She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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