On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
