It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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