don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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