Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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