I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
