I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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