One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
