my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
