I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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