I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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