You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
