Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
