dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
