I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
