Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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