bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
