my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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