why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
