just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Small penises have feelings too.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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