Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
