Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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