I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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