woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
