1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
