I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
