I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
