Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
